Girl in Progress

I really need a new laptop! This one is really struggling these days, but then again, who can blame it… it’s exactly one million bazillion decades old!

Anyway, I figured I’d scribble a few thoughts on confidence, since its one of the things that has “hit me” recently, in both good and bad ways. Do I have confidence? Yes and no, lots of it, but not much at all. It depends on what context. I have incredible amounts of confidence in who I am, but near enough zero confidence in what I do (unless you add alcohol, but that’s another story!)

I’ve never really been a “confident” person, throughout school I was always the quiet one. Once you are stuck in that frame of mind it’s a difficult thing to get out of, so that was basically what defined me at school. One of the things I developed while working in retail was  ”fake” confidence, if that makes any sense. You turn into seemingly a different person, entirely fake. I dislike fake confidence, I dislike any kind of fake personality but sadly to get anywhere in the world you need to look like you are confident.

Fake confidence also helps to convince the world that you are perfectly OK. When you don’t want people around you to know that inside you are actually falling to bits. You even manage to convince yourself that all is well, which may seem like a good thing but it really isn’t, it’s just glossing over the problems, like tidying a room and shoving all the rubbish under a rug.

So, in what areas am I truly confident? I am very confident in myself, I  have to be. It’s not an easy pathway being trans, it takes a lot of  confidence to take steps out into the world, knowing full well that you don’t pass. I have really surprised myself in that respect, anyone who knew me back in my younger years will know that I have actually achieved a personal impossibility.

Where do I struggle? When I’m around people I don’t know that well, I regress back into that childhood state of quietness, with my inner self fighting with me to escape. I will stay that way until I’m totally comfortable, which isn’t a quick process, it can take months for me to get to a point where I feel I’m truly able to express my “inner personality”, because of that, most people I ever meet never really get to meet “me”

Well, hello there! Long time no speak. Yeah, I know I’ve been bad and not updated, sorry! I’ll make up for it… maybe not now, but one day in the future. Anyway, where am I? Lets ask the satnav…

No, that actually seems to be quite useless. No change there then.

I made this post in November regarding the NHS being really awkward about prescribing me hormones. Unfortunately I haven’t got any further, well it doesn’t feel like it anyway. I’ve spoke to several people on the phone who try to sound like they know what they are talking about, but in reality it sounds like they don’t. The last I heard was that the PCT were bickering over who should fund it. In *theory* I should get a phone call sometime this week, and apparently it should be good news, but given this is the NHS we are talking about, I won’t get my hopes up. I’ll probably have to phone up next week and ask why they didn’t call me.

So that’s that! Since my last post, both Christmas and New Year happened. Happy Christmas and New Year to everyone, even if its slightly belated! I had an annoying Christmas, I always love the run up to it, but then on the day its just bleh. I’m sure I’m not the only one who felt like that. I had far too much to drink for new year, to be honest I only have vague recollections of it! I think a fight kicked off outside the pub just before midnight, so I don’t think anyone really noticed!

Very white up here

Oh yes, we have had the snow… lots and lots of snow. Anyone would think it was the end of the world, yet I’m still here, so that must just be silly. Since everyone always shares pictures of what snow looks like, here is what it was like on top of the Lickey Hills, its a bit white isn’t it? So I made a complete fool of myself slipping over, but that is beyond the point!

See... even Bristol managed to be clear!

I can confirm, that despite what everyone was telling everyone, the roads were perfectly fine. Even in the middle of the night! You may be surprised to hear this, but yes they were gritted and clear. Even in Bristol, which is known worldwide for being evil and making me get lost, you could still drive, here is another picture to prove it Notice how I attempt to be artistic and get the Clifton Bridge in the shot, failing miserably. But please don’t moan, its not very often I put pictures into posts, and there are 3 of them here!

So all in all, I haven’t worked out where I am, but I’ve kind of had fun over the past couple of months regardless. There have been a few ups and downs, but that is life. I have a few new years resolutions and cunning plans which I won’t reveal yet, as it is all top secret!

Oh go on, since the snow is starting to go away now, here is one more pretty picture from a few weeks ago…

Happy 2010 all!

Sorry for the random post!

Why is it that people seem to have forgotten the concept of common sense? Everyone just seems to drone around in their own little world thinking they will be protected! Sorry but it just doesn’t work like that. Life is tough sometimes, if you don’t apply even a little bit of common sense, you’ll get hurt.

It’s the whole compensation culture, it has ripped every ounce of common sense from every human being in the country. It doesn’t matter if they are stupid because they can just blame someone else, and get rich from it. The really really sad fact is that it works, where there is blame there’s a claim and all that rubbish.

Sometimes, just sometimes (OK, so most of the time), the blame doesn’t lie with anybody else but yourself. You did something stupid, you fell off that ladder because you didn’t secure it properly. You fell into the hole because you weren’t looking where you were going. You fell off your bike because you weren’t paying attention. You decided to cross the road without looking. Get the idea? All acts of stupidity! Just take the blame, accept that you were a numpty, put it down to experience, move on and get on with your life!

Common sense makes the world go round (well at least it used to)

OK, so I’ve changed a few things around here… shoot me! Just had a fiddling moment and fancied a change

Anyway, just a random thought…

Why is it, that the best individual moments of your life, always occur during the worst periods? Is it that you consider them to be the best, because they are a shining light amongst a sea of darkness and while when you are in a “good period”, the good individual moments don’t stand out so much?

Or is it just me? That is my take on it anyway.

I’m not sure I can afford Christmas this year, I always feel guilty not being able to spend much on people. I’ve always worked to the logic of not worrying about price, more about what I am actually buying. It means that sometimes people end up with really cheap presents, but a lot more thought has gone into it than something more expensive, and sometimes someone who I wouldn’t normally think about spending that much money on, ends up with something quite expensive. It looks like this year I’m really going to have to watch the pennies

Oh well, you never know.. something may dramatically change between now and then. Doubtful though.